Words... what do they all mean?

L5R tonight, and I was once again reminded first-hand of the obnoxious character mortality rate.

My girl, formerly Akodo Megumi, is the daimyo of a relatively new (only five years old) minor clan. On the way to winter court in the Crane lands, she and her party are set upon by unidentified bandits/ronin. Well, not so much her party as _her_. Two archers were taking potshots at her while the boys were for the most part untouched. She almost fell _twice_. Thank god for water shugenja and healing spells. Jordan said that in his notes for that session he'd written 'assassinate Sierra,' "But I didn't expect to actually _do_ it!" Well, tonight he did.

Our little clan had been having some kerfluffles with the Crab, who share our southern border. So I go to the Kaiu diamyo and invite him to supper, in the hopes of bartering some peace (despite Megumi's abysmal social skills). I inform the servants and they send an extra meal to my room, but Kaiu-sama doesn't show up. Megumi; her karo, Hirobumi; and her self-appointed bodyguard, Haruki go ahead and eat. It's fish and rice with vegetables, pretty standard. Haruki doesn't touch the fish because of something that happened in the first campaign of this chronicle. About an hour after the meal, Hirobumi and Megumi are wracked with intense stomach pains. Thank god for Haruki's vegetarianism. He heard Megumi cry out and ran inside to find her doubled up on the floor, and sent someone to fetch the water shugenja, as well as to find Hirobumi since he suspects it's something to do with the food.

Zenko (aforementioned shugenja) arrives and discovers she's been poisoned with pufferfish, and will die in a couple hours without treatment. No Perception or Awareness roll for me to realize something was up with the fish, no Stamina roll to stave off the effects, nothing. "Fort Save or die" is one thing, but this is crazy! Zenko and Haruki get Megumi to the nearest temple, but the monks there aren't healers, so Zenko decides to try treating her himself. And fails his roll by 5. *facepalm*

So Jordan asked me in private if I was okay with Megumi dying, or if I really wanted to keep her, because the roll was so close. And I opted to let her go. She was made as a warrior: her great ambition in life was to become a general. Her competitiveness and ambition led her to jump at the chance to become a daimyo, but she realized after the fact that she really hadn't known what she was getting into, and was in fact quite ill-suited for such an administrative/social position. So Megumi and I were both frustrated and feeling rather useless, and the opportunity to make a new character who might fit better in this new dynamic was not unwelcome.

Also it leads to all kinds of fun drama because Zenko, having failed to save Megumi, requests seppuku from the new daimyo (Haruki, who is even less pleased about being "promoted" than Megumi was). Haruki told Zenko as he was treating Megumi that he'd hold him responsible, so he agrees. But Zenko is also an Emerald Magistrate and as such also needs to get permission from his boss, the Emerald Champion, who does _not_ agree (he is, after all, needed in the investigation into who's behind these assassination attempts). The Champion speaks to Haruki and he (Haruki) loses some honor for arguing with someone of higher Status. Ah, fun times.

But still, LAMEST DEATH EVER!! Megumi would be pissed as hell that she died of something as lame as poison, instead of gloriously on the battlefield. It's almost enough to make one come back from the dead...

So now I'm going to be a very young and cocky Mirumoto Swordmaster who is Hirobumi's yojimbo, 'cause he's a squishy courtier. She's not unduly confident, she's very good at what she does. Maybe not good enough to take on Haruki, as she seems to think (he was trained in the Kakita dueling academy as well as just plain being stronger and more skilled), but any other bushi she'd have a reasonable chance of defeating in a duel. So when the characters figure out who was behind the assassination, if they don't have enough proof to bring him to justice, she's absolutely going to step up and offer to duel him. 'Cause she can take him. Whoever he is.

I think this girl is going to be fun.

All right, so we've been playing L5R for about a month now. And, like, every other week we've had to move it from our regular night (Wednesday) because one of the other players has some kind of conflict, and Jordan doesn't like running sessions without players and having to catch people up later. It's never been me, and I've been really good (=lucky) about getting someone to watch Morgan whenever it ends up being rescheduled for. And btw, I'm never consulted about when would be convenient for me; it's rescheduled according to everyone else's timetables and then I'm notified and then I call Grandma & Popa or Rew and hope they'll be willing at what is usually the last minute.

So this weekend is the Fourth and I'm heading down to the boat on Wednesday after work to avoid the congestion of everyone else arriving on Thursday. Which means I won't be in town for game that night. I will be home on Sunday (which is usually our alternate day), but _Kevin_ isn't positive he'll be home on Sunday. So instead of just not playing at all this week (which we have done in the past when the stars just didn't align), Jordan is going to go ahead and run the session on Wednesday without me. See above reference to Jordan supposedly not liking to do so.

... Does this strike anyone else as complete bullshit? Bend over backwards for the three boys but fuck Sierra.

I don't know what his problem with me is. Maybe going all the way back to when I had to move and wanted Rew to be my roommate? Jordan got really butthurt about how "selfish" I was being in not taking _him_ into consideration. Um, sorry, no, Jordan, you are not a factor in decisions I make regarding the health and safety of MY CHILD. But I ended up finding a place I could rent on my own and don't need Rew so now it's no skin off his nose.

He doesn't like my roleplaying style. Fair call, as I don't like his GM-ing style. He says he wants character-based games and not railroaded plots. One would think this would be perfect for me, as I tend to make _people_. I'm usually (almost always) not the best fighter or smooth talker or other plot-moving types. But I do bother to make rounded characters - which, yes, in comparison to others do come off seeming rather "useless" - with backstories and families and extraneous influences (I do love Flaws/Disadvantages). Exactly what he asks us to do. But he never does anything with anything I give him. Josh had half the action of our Hunter game revolve around his character and the strained relationship with his wife. Jordan manages to ignore similar little details in my characters. I played an epileptic in our last L5R game and reminded about it every session but he never used it. Nor did he make use of the time my character had an abusive partner. That would have been exactly the kind of non-plot, character-driven action he says he wants, just like Josh and his wife: the other characters getting involved to get me out of the bad situation and my character having to adjust and grow up and become her own strong individual in the aftermath. It would have been _fantastic_, and that's why I took that Flaw, because I enjoy character insight like that and it's what Jordan said he wanted. It went exactly _nowhere_.

I'm sick of these double standards and I'm sick of stressing about living up to his expectations (and never seeming to do so) and I'm sick of fumbling around in his games and never accomplishing anything because of his frustratingly vague hints and excessive red herrings.

I'll answer the question before anyone can ask, "So why are you even playing with this guy?" Because I enjoy roleplaying and he's my only access to game. Because I'm lonely and my circle of friends in town consists mainly of my brother, and by extension through him Jordan, and through Jordan to the gamers. Because I get bored being stuck at home with a toddler and want at least one night a week where I can go out and be a _person_ instead of a parent, but good luck trying to convince my grandparents or Mom or Dad or Rew that personal time to just read a book on the couch or go out and see a movie is a valid reason to "need" babysitting. Yes, seriously, I really am that sad and lonely and desperate.

It's taken me an hour to type this because I'm trying my damnedest to remain coherent but I'm on the verge of tears and I'm shaking and I want to break something.