Words... what do they all mean?

Ahoy, me hearties! Our ship is quiet today; the ship's monkey was restless here in port and scampered off to spend some time on a "real" boat with her grandmother and her salty dog of a step-grandfather. The old dam' tells me she has lost another tooth (she really needs to stop brawling in pubs).

Arr, the piratey-ness of this crew of sclawags do put wind in my sails on this damnably becalmed day. Alas, me hearties, I've had no cause today to speak like the scurvy dog me poor dear mother always did say I be. The only port on the charts is one unsociable to buccaneers and their ilk, and we must needs be acting like _gentlemen_ in these waters. Yarr, it suits me ill.

ETA: Har har, me eyes just fell upon the "Update Captain's Log" button and it did make me laugh; these landlubbers surrounding me do think I be crazy, I wager.